Blame Hofmann

Nurse: Excuse me, doctor, do you have a moment?
Doctor: A moment? What's the question?
Nurse: More of a situation, a gentleman in Exam 3.
Doctor: What's the problem?
Nurse: That is the problem: we're not sure.
Doctor: You've got the chart?
Nurse: Right here.
Doctor: Hmm... not much here, is there?
Nurse: No doctor, no obvious physical trauma, vitals are stable.
Doctor: Name?
Nurse: No sir.
Doctor: Did someone drop him off, maybe we can speak to them? Let's get some background on this fellow.
Nurse: No ID, nothing, and he won't speak to anybody.
Doctor: Well, let's say hello.
Doctor: Good morning, I'm Dr. Watson. How are you today? How are you today? Look son, you're in a safe place, we want to help you, in whatever way we can. But you need to talk us, we can't help you otherwise. Now, what's happened? Tell me everything.

--------

Alrighty, then ... picture this if you will.

10 to 2 AM, and
actually eating up, you know,
a box of Krispy Kremes,
at my need-to-know post
just outside Area 51 contemplating
the whole "chosen people" thing
just when a flaming, stealth banana split the sky, like, wide open.
I never expected to see it in a place like this.
I do believe I spilled something wet
right on my Birkenstocks.
Then yelping

Holy fucking shit!

Then the X-File being,
who was like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan
with Isabella Rossellini lips with breath that reeked,
did a wicked jump there
also while making the sound a-banana-da-banana
hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw,
and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip,
and all I could think was,
"I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice
that I pissed my fuckin' pants."

So alive in this way
Like an apparition,
He had me crying out,
"Fuck me
It's gotta be
Deadhead
Chemistry
The bottom got on top of me
Got me seein' E-motherfuckin'-T!"

And after calming me down
with some orange slices
and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.
He said, "You are the Chosen One,
the One who will deliver the message.
A message of hope to those who choose to hear it
and a warning to those who do not."
Me. The Chosen One?
They chose me, and I didn't graduate from fuckin' high school.

You'd better...
You'd better...
You'd better...
You'd better listen.

Then he looked right through me
With somniferous almond eyes
Don't even know what that means
Must remember to write it down
This is so real
Like the time they floated away
See, my heart is pounding
'Cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now!

It was so real,
Like I woke up in Wonderland.
Also a bit terrifying
I don't wanna be all alone
When I tell this story.
And can anyone tell me why

It was a repeat experience
Will I ever be coming down?
This is so real
Finally, it's my lucky day
See, my heart is racing
'Cause this shit never happens to me

I can't breathe right now!

You believe me, don't you?
Please believe what I just said!
See they're telling the truth
And this wasn't all in my head.
See, they took me by the hand
And invited me right in.
Then they showed me something
I don't even know where to begin.

Strapped down on my bed
Feet cold, eyes red
I'm out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Can't remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed

High...

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position.
Such a heavy burden now to be the One
Born to bear and read you all the details of our ending,
To write it down for all the world to see.

But I forgot my pen
Shit the bed again ...
Typical.

Strapped down on my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I'm out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Sunkist and Sudafed
Gyroscopes and infrared
Won't help, brain dead
Can't remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed

I can't remember what they said to me
Can't remember what they said to make me out to be a hero
Can't remember what they said
God help me!
Can't remember what they said

Don't know, won't know

God damn, shit the bed!